please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
