you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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