If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
