i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i came on her dog
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
