It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
