I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
