I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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