I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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