Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
