The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I had to cum in my sink.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
