I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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