Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
