After last night, I could never be a politician.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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