he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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