i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
