Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
