seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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