i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
