Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm having to shit out rocks
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