What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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