how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
