My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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