can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
