Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
