it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
