I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
