Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize