I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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