I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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