I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize