All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
