i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
