Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
