Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
