Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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