you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You're like the curious george of whores
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
