I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
