I have demons in me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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