yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Everclear isn't food dammit
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
