A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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