I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
