I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
