my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
