Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
