You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
