My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
