I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
