Taylor Swift is so right about you.
4 words: hood of his car
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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