i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize