You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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