my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How does it feel to date your dad?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
