im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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