lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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