I'm jealous of your bromance
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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