it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize