Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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