apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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