It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
