Whod you bang
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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