if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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