captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize