Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
