I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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