You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize