About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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